Wish you were here

How? Why? What? all these questions been troubling since ages now. There aren't any answers to these things, you live life as it comes. that's what i said on sat, may 19Th 2007. yes that's couple of years back. am bad at remembering things how did i remember this? i found it in my other blog. was reading that blog and was thinking did anything ever change? i still make decisions and i still cant explain why i did so. yes i talk of everything.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,

blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

been through a lot lately. and took major decisions and could not explain why! nothing new for me. but this time it involved someone else so it is much difficult to explain someone else than to convince yourself. But i did not have any logical explanation to defend myself. so i wrote long text which says yes i am running away from something, no i dont know what and its definitely not that. If someone asks "why?" I'll be, huh? who? you talk in to me?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

TRUTH: i miss them, the songs still remind me of them, but things not the same. they have lost all the trust and i have found myself again. the me i was years back. same thoughts, same behaviour, same goals, only one thing is different, they not here.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

I used to write poems, express my feelings through words, it was so me back then, my old blog is all me, one of them said. You said it and i am getting back there. if that explains anything.

Its on your mind all the time.. you cant get rid of these thoughts.. cant sleep, dont eat much anyway but eat even less, why? just trying to explain things. no, not to them but to yourself. you know you are right in your way. only if they would trust you with your decisions. decisions that says yes you need to be you, not happy you, but you. i wish i could change myself to what i want to be. have had long talks on how i cant, all in vain as our life is not controlled just by us. Who thinks otherwise go see movie "run lola run". why do we wish? why do we want something or other? not talking of materialistic things, those days are gone, thanks to friend and our aim. it worked for me to certain extent, he still wants a new bass. What i wish is different. i want me to be myself again!

What have you found? The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

Wonders of design, forget who you are, forget everything. all that matters is today, how to live till you get to tomorrow. and then think of same things again!

bittersweet symphony

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

You've been AOEed...

Its all coming back. Those days in school where the ultimate aim of day was to win in age of empires. Now things are better as there is no one to say enough of games now study. This is perfect time to let yourself lose and figure out strategies to win in the game.

KNOW YOUR CIVILIZATION.

It started with playing in standard difficulty level.

When playing in this difficulty level things are simple. you play make villagers make army and you win.

Then is Moderate difficulty level where you struggle day and night to figure out ways to stop computer from destroying your city with his never stopping army. the trick is simple.. make lot of villagers and gather lot of food, advance to feudal age in 10 mins. and next age in next 10 mins.. this way you'll be in castle age in 20 mins.. this is where you start making army.. make monastary and collect relics before the computer player does.. it helps a lot.. keep your villager count high. advance to imperial with lot of army and then researches.. make sure you do everything before computer or just in a minutes gap max. else you'll be screwed. there wont be any time to lose.. once in imperial age, gather as much and make a huge army. defend for a bit once have strong army back it up with monks and get trebs and attack.. kill villagers(other players) and then proceed.. dont forget to explore as much as you can. this will do the trick.. game shall get over in 2 to 3 hours.

Then is the hard level. what you got to do is quiet the same only thing diff is much faster. How? more villagers, fast advance to castle age with min research and then huge army, huge meaning HUGE just to defend.. make cheap pike man to defend your city.. i chose Britons so made lots of archers.. and awesome long bowman which help a lot.. once in imperial age with all basic research complete to make your archers strongest and your pike man sustainable attack! dont forget the trebs.. they very helpful against the castles and town centres. if its a sea map make a navy but later when land is dominated by you..

Hardest level, well i havent reached that yet, but will add as soon as i do..

nice game, been playing this now day and night for a week, dream of pikemans and archers in sleep. its perfectly normal. you can apply it to your life maybe by understanding how to survive in real life when every resource might be people around you or emotions. whatever it is dont forget one thing.. PLAY!

Lets go back in time...

Year of 2002. first year in pune. yes it sounds like "previously on heroes" but it has to have same effect. (after all its all for those who love to read.). Well back to 2002.. just out of 10th to my uncles place in pune, got into SV union, a jr college about which no one has ever heard about.. well its a good start. if you come from diff place and you get into big shot place you take more time to get used to it.. so i dont regret SVU and its the place where i had time of my life.. next 2 years i became most of me what i am today. this is where i understood people. How to get into other people's head and look for pattern(pattern is word i learnt in design someday i shall write about its beauty). patterns reveal everything. you classify people in categories and you know your compatibility with all of them. this is where i met Sourabh. now why am i talking about him in my blog? I met him the other day.. it was random meeting, on facebook chat.. "where are you. home.. oh me too.. great we both in pune lets meet.. am leavin for banglore tomorrow.. lets meet tonight .. now.. its 9 lets meet at 10.15.. oh i mean 2215.. over and out." that's how we met..

There is no one who knows me as good as this guy. before i think of anything he would know what i could think of.. oh and its the same way for me knowing him too.. but i cant keep up with his wild imagination which i truly respect. So back to 2002, when i i met this guy. he was one i never talked to.. never even looked fwd to talk to.. and speaking the truth my first impression was really diff for him.. but then he somehow took initiative to know me.. and then i met the true him, the legend i may say..

and by 2003-04 we were like really good friends as we are even today. we re wrote the English poems in our own perverted way yet making it sound so clean. we sat in corner and entertained the class with beatboxing and making sounds of racing cars in lectures. we ate in lectures we talked in lectures and we got caught cheating in chem papers from each others, flunking him for the first time in life and someone else cause of me for first time in my life.. yes it was me copying. chemistry is not my domain. bio was, but he skipped bio and took geography. Later on he scored the highest in chemistry from our batch. i think he was one of top 3 in our class in total and i managed to just clear my math somehow.. These 2 years were the years of my thought development. I wanned to know the meaning for my life. like what i wanned to do in life.. my purpose. which never happened as when you think too much you end up knowing nothing. the more you know the more you know that less you know. is that confusing? well its a part of our(mine and sourabh's) theory of kind of people. according to us there were 4 kind of people.

1) they know that they know

2)they know that they dont know

3)they dont know that they know

4)they dont know that they dont know.

we have spent hours and hours thinking on this and trying to tell it to others. but the result was obvious we were called as freaks. we liked it, we liked bugging people with our theory. this was not the only theory we made, there were other about idiots and those who pretend to be idots, droplet theory, fag limit theory.. we both had our way of putting life in (what i learnt later) patterns. and analyse it and then implement it. this is where we realised that we talk of lot of things but we do things which we dont talk of.. we called it the human behaviour.

when i met him the other day we both got so excited about doing something, anything what so ever. we still dont know what we goin to do but we already love it as we know its gonna be us and we gonna do it. but again we talk of it. but we dont know what it is going to be so there are chances of its happening.

Day before meeting him i was involved in a 'secret' meeting (without any other option) there i was talkin to couple of guys about this 'secret' thing. and they needed my help with that. but then i kind of figured that it was mostly fake and it was put in front of me with strange seriousness. but i dont blame them, people who 'know' me would know if you want me to help say the truth i might just help. yes farid if you would have said you wanned to go pick your girl from hostel and not to go to atm to get money i might have given you my bike. but people think if its not serious issue then i might not help.. well i appreciate the truth. But then it(the 'secret') also reminded me of myself when i was looking for meaning of life.. that was the time before i wished i was dead every night. so i did not help them and tried to warn them but its not in someones hand to change others thought. They'll learn it the hard way. human mind is awesome thing. you might simplify everything in life in fraction of seconds but yet when you got to do math with numbers you suck at it. Life teaches you lessons in its own way. Two many clues to past life of same time period. what does that mean? No matter what it means it did remind me of the years when life was different and it was changing.

If i try and remember, i dont remember much about my thoughts and life before 2002. maybe i was born again in 2002. (and you dont smile tht does not make me '7' year old).

This is all about 2 years didnt even tell about how it actually changed my life, but its already too long and too late at night. so maybe some other day if it comes up.

5TH Sem comes, are we half designers already?

It all started when i realized that the time is gone and am left behind. when i realized that it was too late, the juries were overhead and i had no work to save my ass. Will i flunk? i asked everyone. they said no you wont. yes i even asked kaka, i was that scared. why? only one reason. havent worked the way i should have. everyone has their own bench marks they look forward to. you strive to get those goals. this sem my goal was to pass.. that is kind of sad. in jury feed back they say i should strive for perfection. Perfection, Feedback, Jury. Yes its over and i they said what i thought they would say. I was prepared for this. but i wasnt prepared for anything worse, i would die.

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.

"kya miyan aaj raat ko board set up kar do kal tension nahi" said he. It struck me shit its tomorrow, Jury is TOMORROW. one sem is gone, what did i do? Shit am dead already, aint I?

i mount everything and at night 11PM i tell her ill talk to you later, i need to put my work on board. i go and put 8 sheets of varying sizes on board in well composed manner and say is that it? thats all the work i can put on board? convinced that am dead. i return to hostel. 3 things on my mind, go through all the work i have, shave, bathe. damn mind is amazing tool, it thinks of randomest things when you in tension.

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

I switch on my laptop, and open the jury folder i made couple of days earlier. i open the display and control folder and go through the presentation. things start coming back to me. oh i did this, to change this, and this to make it like this, LIGHTNING STRIKES. I know my work, i know what i learnt from the assignments, i know what controls are used for what, i know of grips, i know of ergonomics, haha bring it on bitch i said. People shouting at back, shit Barca scored in champions final against Man U. sucks, but i had greater worries on mind. But bit relaxed, now they cant throw me out of institute, i wont flunk.. why? as i know my work, that is what matters. Lets Sleep and get up early and do next 2 things, thats shave and bathe.

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it!

Morning was like any other jury morning. same white shirt, blue jeans, shoes and clean shaved face. when yours is the first jury it lasts the longest. usually faculty comes along with external, but here the case was different. the external came first and sat. i start talkin to her, telling her about the courses we had.. then faculty came one by one and it all started before i knew it. Your circle is not circle she said, i could see its not. why? i had no explanation. was it supposed to be a circle? yes it was.. it started with that.. people thought am dead. i knew i am waking up. i can see my mistakes and i can improve on them next sem. he said i say that all the sems and never improve and this is last time he saying it as he is gonna give up hopes and leave me to my fate then. scared i was is it too late? i asked. its never too late he said. i was determined to work harder. At end i started with display and control, they liked it. they liked the interfaces i made. sign was clear when you put in effort in something it shows. you should do graphic design she said. reminds me of 2nd jury when i was confused what to do. but then it got over. i have to improve on my studio skills and implement it on next sem assignments. yes, this time am doin it for sure. already started. focus is back, after all this is what is gonna make me a designer. am already running behind schedule. 2 years gone and i still need to improve my studio skills. hmm time to take this seriously.

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
(So I dub thee unforgiven)

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too!

Oh! and you, you need to do film and video as you click good snaps. try and find the true meaning. they want us to show same output in what we doin.